“Look, Wearing Cheap Diapers Is Not Worth It; So A little Help… Please”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_BUSINESS_LIFESTYLE_ENTREPRENEUR_Issue 01*26     May 9, 2014

DAUNTLESS BABY GIRL LAUNCHES CAMPAIGN ON KICKSTARTER TO BUY HIGH QUALITY DIAPERS

By Alicia Prescott

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Saying that she is frankly tired of rocking the ‘same old, same old’ bargain diaper brands, Felicia Woodley told reporters this morning that, due to her parents’ low-income status, she had decided to take matters in her own hands by turning to crowd-funding in a last-ditch effort to improve the life quality of her bottom.

“I really gave some thoughts to it and I think Kickstarter offers the best platform there is to really help me achieve my goal,” said the tech savvy girl, adding off-the-record that she’d spent most of the night on it to draft her pitch and even spruce it up with cute selfies and a short promo video of her explaining to her potential backers how those B-grade diapers left her with rash and had a lousy soak-up capacity, were not wear-resistant and not only that but most were not even environmentally friendly.

‘The bottom line is wearing a cheap diaper is not worth it’ the video said. ‘Every dollar that you pledge will go toward helping me afford the best brand diapers currently in the market in 2014 according to trusted consumer reviews. So hook up a desperate little girl here…’

   “Please…”

Felicia also added that not only she was hoping to buy a top selling brand that provided a great fit and comfort for her butt cheeks, and most importantly, kept her leak-free for at least ten hours for most of the day as she explored her surroundings, but she also admitted that her sights were on leading brands of premium stretch diapers that guaranteed overnight protection and were fragrance-free.

Look, all I’m asking is for some expensive brand that will keep in place during the night as I toss and turn in my bed.  Because everyone deserves to sleep well at night, I do think the extra expense is totally necessary. Right now I’m thinking Huggies or Luv.’

   ‘It’s that or nothing, okay?’

The little baby girl with fancy taste went on to state that, because she believed one must give in order to receive, a treasure trove of perks along with her eternal gratitude awaited all her contributors who donated to her cause.

Don’t forget to check out the perks I have in store for you guys,” the promo video continued, because you guys are awesome and I want to show you how much I appreciate your reaching out to help me by giving away those awesome perks that I’ve personally crafted for your enjoyment. So make sure to claim your goodies for whatever dime you drop.’

The perks, which primarily consisted of signed selfies, bubbly prerecorded voice mails and a Deluxe Edition of her scribblings on a spiral-bound sketchpad just to name but a few, were reportedly said by sources to be highly imaginative for a seven-month-old munchkin.

Felicia concluded her promo video by saying that if – fingers crossed – she ever reached her stretch-goal, then she could also add to her diaper wardrobe Pampers Swaddlers because of its blanket-like softness and also because, all things considered, it is the only way to go for maximum comfort.

Felicia’s project is to be fully funded on June 6th if at least 350$ is pledged by then.

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"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_LOCAL_Issue 01*25     May 2, 2014

BABY GIRL WANTS YOU TO KNOW SHE’S REALLY THINKING ABOUT IT

By Alicia Prescott

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Claiming that she hasn’t slept on it ever since the issue first came to her attention, four-month-old Yvette Kasey asked reporters, during the press conference held this morning, to let the concerned parties know that she’s really thinking about it.

“I just want to reiterate my unshakable commitment to help find a solution to this problem because I feel like if I stand idly and do nothing, everything I love and care about will also be vulnerable,” said the little girl in earnest, adding that it behooved all of us to put our minds together to work [this] out for the betterment of all.

“So if, even for just one second, it seems to you that I’m not on top of it, then rest assured that until this business is done and dealt with, I’ll always be thinking about it, day in, day out.”

At the end of the press conference, you seemed to be relieved because Kasey promised to stay up tonight and think harder on it until sunrise.

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“All This New Stuff Is Really Overwhelming For Him…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_SOCIAL_Issue 01*24     May 1, 2014

DOG MOVED TO TEARS AFTER LEAVING SHELTER WITH FOSTER FAMILY

By Alicia Prescott

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Born and bred in a local pet orphanage in the Bay Area, sources confirmed Thursday that the adoption procedure for Viz went through and for the first time ever, the little doggy dog got to venture outside the confines of the shelter with his new foster family.

   “Viz hasn’t said anything since we left the shelter,” said Ines Mulligan, five and only child to the Mulligans. “I think right now he is kind of overwhelmed, I suppose. Today is kind of a big change for him; I mean all this stuff outside is very new to him, you know.”

Eyewitness accounts inside the car effectively confirmed that during the ride to the Mulligan’s homestead, the bleary-eyed Chihuahua kept gazing out the window at the beautiful streets whizzing by and the gorgeous panorama of breathtaking architectural marvels that were no different from the ones found in dreams and fairy tales, and all of which contrasting strongly with the crummy and down-and-out shitty-looking local of the pet orphanage where, up to this point, the doggy dog had spent all his life.

“I guess Viz is realizing how lucky he truly is,” continued Ines who, it was said, was the de-facto caretaker of the new lucky family member. “His life as he knew it is about to change for the better. From now on, he’s only going to be exposed to nice things. And I’m really happy for him.”

Additionally, empathizing with Viz, many starveling sources living on the streets stated that they envied (and were even a little jealous of) the animal’s new cozy set-up and the good life which awaited him, but were nevertheless cheering because they understood that the life of a dog in a shelter is shittier than a homeless’.

At press time, Viz was still feeling at a loss about every beautiful things he’d lay eyes upon thus far, prompting Ines to comment on how she wondered what the pet’s reaction would be like after he saw their amazing split-level mansion on the Hills.

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“It’s Unlike Anything You’ve Read Or Even Seen Before…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_ENTERTAINMENT_Issue 01*25     May 1, 2014

ENTHUSIASTIC WRITER TALKS ABOUT UPCOMING BOOK TITLED TWILIGHT

By Alicia Prescott

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Calling her new literary effort her magnum opus yet, romance author Alice Baeham announced Tuesday that the book, which is officially titled Twilight – The Beginning, will be everything readers love in popular fiction especially category romance and science-fiction, and it is bound to hold its own against the likes of Nora Roberts’ Bride Quartet or Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander.

  “Right now I’m waist-deep into the editing process but I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that this book will be a killer, a fucking smash hit” said the enthused writer, adding that the book was in good shape but being the perfectionist she was, she still needed to add that last swashbuckling finish which would bring the whole storyline to new heights of literary excellence.

“Basically, it’s a love story between the Moon and the Sun. They are star-crossed lovers at odds with a bunch of hating celestial corps and they’re just trying to be together but can’t because the whole universe is like conspiring against them in ways they can’t see or understand, and all this happens against the backdrop of the beginning of the Big Bang” explained Alice, stressing how some elements of the space opera genre, namely the sprawling melodramatic outer-space adventure (and lots of black holes), would be weaved together with the more down-to-earth and gritty aspect of the edge-of-your-seat thriller, the combination of which guarantying to make this ambitious piece into a new pop-culture sensation.

“The idea literally came after I had this vivid dream; I was standing on the top of this mountain and far away, over and beyond the edge of the world, I could see the sun. And it was all alone, just doing its thing unheeded. So I thought, this isn’t right. No one should be alone, especially when they shine so brightly. It just made me sad,” explained Baeham, adding that she immediately began imagining the characteristics the sun’s potential love interest should have in order to win his plasma heart over and ignite it with a high-octane fusion of burning desire.

Additionally, Baeham admitted that for months she lived with that idea until it finally grew and became this huge thing she knew she absolutely had to put down because she saw astronomical potential in it.

   “Look, if you compare Twilight-The Beginning with my first two unpublished novels, which by the way were ‘practice books’ so they don’t really count, then you may think I don’t have the writing chops to pull off something that big. And if I’m honest, I didn’t think I had what it took either before I set out.”

  “But Goddamn, I’m glad I didn’t sissy out on that one,” Baeham continued, “I’m glad I wrote the fucking damn thing before someone else came up with that idea.”

Baeham also confirmed that the book title wasn’t just hinting at a sequel but at the beginning of a new engrossing franchise which was 100% sure to take the world by storm and whose movie adaptations would break new records at the box office, both domestically and internationally, and also spawn a profitable line of merchandise, all of which designed to continue the telling and the promotion of this incredible universal love story that has everything in it for everybody no matter their age,  gender, race or religion.

“Now that I think about it, I believe this story is about us as matter fact and our capacity for love and pursuing that no matter the personal cost.”

Before the end of the press conference, sources claimed Baeham teased attendees by revealing the title of the direct planned sequel to the Twilight franchise.

“It’ll be called Eclipse: The Day of Reckonning. So keep an eye out for that one next year.”

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“It’s Like That Everyday…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_LIFESTYLE_Issue 01*23      April 30, 2014

BABY BOY JUST ABOUT TO WAKE UP STILL IN THE DARK

By Alicia Prescott

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Claiming that he could feel his shut-eye time come to an end pretty soon, in fact in less than a few minutes, seven-month-old Bertrand Moor rush pointed out to reporters that even though he was just about to wake up, he was pretty much still in the dark.

“You know, as I lay here sleeping, I can’t help but wonder about what the day will bring,” said the hairless sleeper who definitely had no clue as to how the day would ultimately unfold during his waking hours.

The not-so-sleepy little man also added that it was his wish to wake up to a sunny day, with birds chirping right outside his window or his dear daddy singing in the shower or his stay-at-home mommy changing his fouled diapers right away before it got too uncomfortable and stank up his crib; and if afterwards she could be so kind to bring him a copious breakfast to bed, that’d be the icing on the cake.

  “All of that is nice and all, but in my experience some of it is just wishful thinking,” said the boy with eyes lightly shut now, “for nobody ever knows what’s going to happen. There’re so many variables that can change the course of a day so I usually try to have no expectations whatsoever. Plus nobody ever tells me anything so I’m always in the dark.”

“Anyway, whatever comes I just roll with it, baby.” The baby boy added while smirking subconsciously.

At press time, as both eyelids heavily lifted to open, Bertrand said he hoped the first thing he’d see upon waking was his mother getting out of her nightdress because seeing that in the morning usually made his day.

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“I Don’t Really See Why We Should Celebrate Birthdays…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_LIFESTYLE_Issue 01*22     April 27, 2014

KID GETTING ANXIOUS OVER BIRTHDAYS MEANING LESS YEARS TO LIVE

By Alicia Prescott

Birthday KidEntering her sixth year of living in this plane of existence with the formal birthday celebration orchestrated by her loving family, Katie Yellen told reporters last Saturday that as time goes by, her birthday becomes more and more like a heavy reminder that she’s getting a year off the total years of her lifespan.

“I just can’t help but think about how every time whenever the clock winds and strikes on my birthday, it means that I’m getting closer and closer to my end,” said the anxious little girl, adding that for all she knew maybe she didn’t have that many years left in her reserve and that awereness was really spoiling everything for her.

“I mean when I think about it, it kills all the joy of blowing the candles out with glee when 365 days have just snuck out of my time reserve and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it except encourage this with a birthday party and wait for another batch of 365 days to sneak out right under my nose, and so on and so forth, until my time reserve is totally empty.”

“I don’t really see any cause for celebration here,” she added.

At press time, while every one was chanting the “Happy Birthday” song, Katie reportedly bowed out of the scene of the party, walked to her bedroom with her head down and slowly shut the door.

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"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_EDUCATION_PSYCHOLOGY_WORLD_Issue 01*24     April 27, 2014

YOUNG GIRL UNDECIDED WHETHER TO RAISE HAND TO ANSWER QUESTION IN CLASSROOM OR KEEP LOW PROFILE

By Alicia Prescott

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Admitting that global geography lessons are one of her favorite subjects at school because “it’s kind of bad-ass to know your way around the world map”, ten-year-old Andrea Mayer said Friday as the teacher was asking the class to name the capital of the United Kingdom that she knew the answer but was holding back on it to give her classmates a chance to stand out and shine.

The sharp-witted fifth grader pointed out how over the last couple years she had developed a reputation of a pundit among her peers when it came to countries of the world and their capitals but was unsure whether to call this one or just pretend she didn’t know the answer for the sake of not appearing way too bright and being ostracized by her slow-learning classmates for whom you must always draw a frigging picture for them to understand anything.

“Right now, no one has yet figured out that The United Kingdom’s capital is London. I could just raise my hand and end all that heavy thinking that is currently going on from head to head over such a simple question, but I think I better abstain,” said Mayer, adding that it was really really hard not to shoot her hand up this very instant and give the damn answer already as she had done so many times in the past.

The little bookish girl went on to say that her eagerness to reply “London is the answer” was only tempered by her goodwill to not stand too far out from the fold in order to not hurt the feelings of her slacking friends who must have been born with IQs no higher than a peanut; that or they are simply dumb students with special needs if they can’t add two and two and see that the answer for that one is pretty obvious from the get go.

“I can’t believe they still haven’t found it,” said little Mayer looking astonishingly around at her classmates whose intellectual effort to really call the answer to mind showed on the painful expression on their faces. “I mean, you don’t even have to try. Just think about Paddington Bear or James Bond or even London Grammar and, BAM! There you go. Seriously, how difficult is that?”

After everybody failed to provide the correct answer despite the teacher’s patience, little Mayer quickly surmised that the only explanation to this type of mediocrity was that her classmates hadn’t figured that the U.K. and England were, for all intents and purposes, the same thing.

At press time, sources reported that the teacher asked the class to name the Capital of France and no answer came for that one too, prompting Mayer to break her silence and redeem the poor general education knowledge of her classmates with an answer to the easiest question in the world.

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“Ice Cream Is Soooo Good…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."

SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_ FOOD_LOCAL_Issue 01*21     April 25, 2014

ICE CREAM SO GOOD IT CAUSES INFANT BOY TO LASH OUT

By Alicia Prescott

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Reportedly sticking the dripping ice-cream cone into his wide-opened mouth to greedily gobble the frozen dairy dessert at a gulp, 4-year-old Andre Linus repeatedly shook his head after the first bite and stamped his feet on the blacktop at the Harbor Village, pedestrian sources reported.

“Man what’s gotten into that kid over there. Has he completely lost it to jump around like that like a hound out of Hell,” said stunned passerby Frederic Monroe, adding that such a loose-jointed, exuberant behavior wasn’t that surprising coming from a kid, but seriously over ice cream?

Upon overhearing little Linus repeatedly shout “Ice Cream Is So Good, Woooooo!” Monroe went on to question whether the parents of the annoying loud kid were treating him to a vanilla flavor for the first time ever or whether this was the very first taste of ice cream little Linus had ever had since birth.

“Some parents are really irresponsible if you ask me. You can’t believe their nerve. Does the world have to know about their child’s discovery of the melting sweetness of ice-cream? Does that have to become a public exhibition?  Do they have to rub their happily-ever-after family moments in our face? As if we didn’t already know ice cream was good…”

At press time, sources confirmed that in his berserker frenzy, the ice-cream licking infant boy ran up to Monroe and teased him with a bite of his precious, which got knocked down in a gesture of irritation by the grown man.

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"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_EDUCATION_WRITING_PRESCHOOL_Issue 01*23     April 25, 2014

YOUNG NOVELIST-TO-BE FINALLY GETS HER ALPHABETS DOWN

By Alicia Prescott

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????It was with an immense pleasure that Cynthia Comb told reporters this morning that after years of trials and tribulation, she had finally overcome her first and foremost adversity in becoming the world-renowned author she hopes to become in twenty years from now.

“Woooo, for a while there, I thought I wasn’t going to get my alphabets down, you know. It’s not as easy as it seems, but like my old man always says, with dedication and hard work you can achieve anything,” said the now alphabet-literate girl, adding that for years she was struggling with learning this elementary skill that all up-and-coming writers must master if they are to churn out bestseller after bestseller in their career.

    “I used a lot of techniques to help me along, like when I was starting out, I’d fill large block letter plastered on a piece of paper with objects. I really wanted to jump ahead and get into the thick of things but my father, who’s been very helpful with my endeavor, convinced me that I needed to learn the basics.”

“It was kind of boring but I can tell you it was totally worth it,” Cynthia pointed out.

The little prodigal four-year-old writing amateur went on to discuss the different methods she employed in her journey to improve her literacy shortcomings, listing innovative yet challenging learning approaches which included making letters out of toys or draw letters with sand or whipped cream, and all that before tackling the more common handwriting workbooks.

“During the process, I stumbled across some tricky letters. Like S, M or J. Boy, I pulled a couple of all-nighters to get that last one right. I still do have a little hard time at it but now, all I have to do is think about an umbrella to get me started and there you go. So you see, I like adding some practicality to my learning.”

“I’m that kind of gal.”

The enthusiastic preschooling girl concluded that though she was pretty amazed at how far she’d come from her early attempts at alphabet writing, she wasn’t blind to the fact that she was still a long way from learning the difference between a coma and a period at this time.

“A one-hundred-thousand-word manuscript begins with one word. And one word begins with one letter. Don’t know exactly how long it’ll take me to write a novel of that length but if those famous authors can do it, then I sure as hell can do it too…”

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