“Look, Wearing Cheap Diapers Is Not Worth It; So A little Help… Please”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_BUSINESS_LIFESTYLE_ENTREPRENEUR_Issue 01*26     May 9, 2014

DAUNTLESS BABY GIRL LAUNCHES CAMPAIGN ON KICKSTARTER TO BUY HIGH QUALITY DIAPERS

By Alicia Prescott

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Saying that she is frankly tired of rocking the ‘same old, same old’ bargain diaper brands, Felicia Woodley told reporters this morning that, due to her parents’ low-income status, she had decided to take matters in her own hands by turning to crowd-funding in a last-ditch effort to improve the life quality of her bottom.

“I really gave some thoughts to it and I think Kickstarter offers the best platform there is to really help me achieve my goal,” said the tech savvy girl, adding off-the-record that she’d spent most of the night on it to draft her pitch and even spruce it up with cute selfies and a short promo video of her explaining to her potential backers how those B-grade diapers left her with rash and had a lousy soak-up capacity, were not wear-resistant and not only that but most were not even environmentally friendly.

‘The bottom line is wearing a cheap diaper is not worth it’ the video said. ‘Every dollar that you pledge will go toward helping me afford the best brand diapers currently in the market in 2014 according to trusted consumer reviews. So hook up a desperate little girl here…’

   “Please…”

Felicia also added that not only she was hoping to buy a top selling brand that provided a great fit and comfort for her butt cheeks, and most importantly, kept her leak-free for at least ten hours for most of the day as she explored her surroundings, but she also admitted that her sights were on leading brands of premium stretch diapers that guaranteed overnight protection and were fragrance-free.

Look, all I’m asking is for some expensive brand that will keep in place during the night as I toss and turn in my bed.  Because everyone deserves to sleep well at night, I do think the extra expense is totally necessary. Right now I’m thinking Huggies or Luv.’

   ‘It’s that or nothing, okay?’

The little baby girl with fancy taste went on to state that, because she believed one must give in order to receive, a treasure trove of perks along with her eternal gratitude awaited all her contributors who donated to her cause.

Don’t forget to check out the perks I have in store for you guys,” the promo video continued, because you guys are awesome and I want to show you how much I appreciate your reaching out to help me by giving away those awesome perks that I’ve personally crafted for your enjoyment. So make sure to claim your goodies for whatever dime you drop.’

The perks, which primarily consisted of signed selfies, bubbly prerecorded voice mails and a Deluxe Edition of her scribblings on a spiral-bound sketchpad just to name but a few, were reportedly said by sources to be highly imaginative for a seven-month-old munchkin.

Felicia concluded her promo video by saying that if – fingers crossed – she ever reached her stretch-goal, then she could also add to her diaper wardrobe Pampers Swaddlers because of its blanket-like softness and also because, all things considered, it is the only way to go for maximum comfort.

Felicia’s project is to be fully funded on June 6th if at least 350$ is pledged by then.

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"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_ENTERTAINMENT_Issue 01*25     May 1, 2014

ENTHUSIASTIC WRITER TALKS ABOUT UPCOMING BOOK TITLED TWILIGHT

By Alicia Prescott

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Calling her new literary effort her magnum opus yet, romance author Alice Baeham announced Tuesday that the book, which is officially titled Twilight – The Beginning, will be everything readers love in popular fiction especially category romance and science-fiction, and it is bound to hold its own against the likes of Nora Roberts’ Bride Quartet or Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander.

  “Right now I’m waist-deep into the editing process but I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that this book will be a killer, a fucking smash hit” said the enthused writer, adding that the book was in good shape but being the perfectionist she was, she still needed to add that last swashbuckling finish which would bring the whole storyline to new heights of literary excellence.

“Basically, it’s a love story between the Moon and the Sun. They are star-crossed lovers at odds with a bunch of hating celestial corps and they’re just trying to be together but can’t because the whole universe is like conspiring against them in ways they can’t see or understand, and all this happens against the backdrop of the beginning of the Big Bang” explained Alice, stressing how some elements of the space opera genre, namely the sprawling melodramatic outer-space adventure (and lots of black holes), would be weaved together with the more down-to-earth and gritty aspect of the edge-of-your-seat thriller, the combination of which guarantying to make this ambitious piece into a new pop-culture sensation.

“The idea literally came after I had this vivid dream; I was standing on the top of this mountain and far away, over and beyond the edge of the world, I could see the sun. And it was all alone, just doing its thing unheeded. So I thought, this isn’t right. No one should be alone, especially when they shine so brightly. It just made me sad,” explained Baeham, adding that she immediately began imagining the characteristics the sun’s potential love interest should have in order to win his plasma heart over and ignite it with a high-octane fusion of burning desire.

Additionally, Baeham admitted that for months she lived with that idea until it finally grew and became this huge thing she knew she absolutely had to put down because she saw astronomical potential in it.

   “Look, if you compare Twilight-The Beginning with my first two unpublished novels, which by the way were ‘practice books’ so they don’t really count, then you may think I don’t have the writing chops to pull off something that big. And if I’m honest, I didn’t think I had what it took either before I set out.”

  “But Goddamn, I’m glad I didn’t sissy out on that one,” Baeham continued, “I’m glad I wrote the fucking damn thing before someone else came up with that idea.”

Baeham also confirmed that the book title wasn’t just hinting at a sequel but at the beginning of a new engrossing franchise which was 100% sure to take the world by storm and whose movie adaptations would break new records at the box office, both domestically and internationally, and also spawn a profitable line of merchandise, all of which designed to continue the telling and the promotion of this incredible universal love story that has everything in it for everybody no matter their age,  gender, race or religion.

“Now that I think about it, I believe this story is about us as matter fact and our capacity for love and pursuing that no matter the personal cost.”

Before the end of the press conference, sources claimed Baeham teased attendees by revealing the title of the direct planned sequel to the Twilight franchise.

“It’ll be called Eclipse: The Day of Reckonning. So keep an eye out for that one next year.”

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“I Think I’ll Abstain To Hurt Nobody’s Feelings…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_EDUCATION_PSYCHOLOGY_WORLD_Issue 01*24     April 27, 2014

YOUNG GIRL UNDECIDED WHETHER TO RAISE HAND TO ANSWER QUESTION IN CLASSROOM OR KEEP LOW PROFILE

By Alicia Prescott

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Admitting that global geography lessons are one of her favorite subjects at school because “it’s kind of bad-ass to know your way around the world map”, ten-year-old Andrea Mayer said Friday as the teacher was asking the class to name the capital of the United Kingdom that she knew the answer but was holding back on it to give her classmates a chance to stand out and shine.

The sharp-witted fifth grader pointed out how over the last couple years she had developed a reputation of a pundit among her peers when it came to countries of the world and their capitals but was unsure whether to call this one or just pretend she didn’t know the answer for the sake of not appearing way too bright and being ostracized by her slow-learning classmates for whom you must always draw a frigging picture for them to understand anything.

“Right now, no one has yet figured out that The United Kingdom’s capital is London. I could just raise my hand and end all that heavy thinking that is currently going on from head to head over such a simple question, but I think I better abstain,” said Mayer, adding that it was really really hard not to shoot her hand up this very instant and give the damn answer already as she had done so many times in the past.

The little bookish girl went on to say that her eagerness to reply “London is the answer” was only tempered by her goodwill to not stand too far out from the fold in order to not hurt the feelings of her slacking friends who must have been born with IQs no higher than a peanut; that or they are simply dumb students with special needs if they can’t add two and two and see that the answer for that one is pretty obvious from the get go.

“I can’t believe they still haven’t found it,” said little Mayer looking astonishingly around at her classmates whose intellectual effort to really call the answer to mind showed on the painful expression on their faces. “I mean, you don’t even have to try. Just think about Paddington Bear or James Bond or even London Grammar and, BAM! There you go. Seriously, how difficult is that?”

After everybody failed to provide the correct answer despite the teacher’s patience, little Mayer quickly surmised that the only explanation to this type of mediocrity was that her classmates hadn’t figured that the U.K. and England were, for all intents and purposes, the same thing.

At press time, sources reported that the teacher asked the class to name the Capital of France and no answer came for that one too, prompting Mayer to break her silence and redeem the poor general education knowledge of her classmates with an answer to the easiest question in the world.

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“Believe Me, It’s Not As Easy As It Seems…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_EDUCATION_WRITING_PRESCHOOL_Issue 01*23     April 25, 2014

YOUNG NOVELIST-TO-BE FINALLY GETS HER ALPHABETS DOWN

By Alicia Prescott

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????It was with an immense pleasure that Cynthia Comb told reporters this morning that after years of trials and tribulation, she had finally overcome her first and foremost adversity in becoming the world-renowned author she hopes to become in twenty years from now.

“Woooo, for a while there, I thought I wasn’t going to get my alphabets down, you know. It’s not as easy as it seems, but like my old man always says, with dedication and hard work you can achieve anything,” said the now alphabet-literate girl, adding that for years she was struggling with learning this elementary skill that all up-and-coming writers must master if they are to churn out bestseller after bestseller in their career.

    “I used a lot of techniques to help me along, like when I was starting out, I’d fill large block letter plastered on a piece of paper with objects. I really wanted to jump ahead and get into the thick of things but my father, who’s been very helpful with my endeavor, convinced me that I needed to learn the basics.”

“It was kind of boring but I can tell you it was totally worth it,” Cynthia pointed out.

The little prodigal four-year-old writing amateur went on to discuss the different methods she employed in her journey to improve her literacy shortcomings, listing innovative yet challenging learning approaches which included making letters out of toys or draw letters with sand or whipped cream, and all that before tackling the more common handwriting workbooks.

“During the process, I stumbled across some tricky letters. Like S, M or J. Boy, I pulled a couple of all-nighters to get that last one right. I still do have a little hard time at it but now, all I have to do is think about an umbrella to get me started and there you go. So you see, I like adding some practicality to my learning.”

“I’m that kind of gal.”

The enthusiastic preschooling girl concluded that though she was pretty amazed at how far she’d come from her early attempts at alphabet writing, she wasn’t blind to the fact that she was still a long way from learning the difference between a coma and a period at this time.

“A one-hundred-thousand-word manuscript begins with one word. And one word begins with one letter. Don’t know exactly how long it’ll take me to write a novel of that length but if those famous authors can do it, then I sure as hell can do it too…”

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“Being a Pet Doesn’t Mean I’m a Hostage…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_SOCIAL_ANIMAL WELFARE_FAMILY_Issue 01*22     April 16, 2014

DOG HELD AGAINST HIS WILL FOR FAMILY  PICTURE

By Alicia Prescott

dog in car

Since its adoption two years ago by the Brett’s family, local dog Mickey-Mickey told reporters that once again, as it’s been so since day one after his integration as the family pet in the Brett’s household, his now legal masters were going to make him stick his head out the window for their usual family car picture.

“Here we go again; I just wished they’d leave me out of this, but every time it is the same fucking deal,” said the black-and-white miniature Schnauzer, who added that he was really fed up with having to try and smile for the camera, so that he wouldn’t be the contrast that ruined the sunshine-y mood of the photograph.

  “They always expect me to show some teeth right as they show theirs, and they don’t realize that all I want to do is just lie on my back and kick my legs up in the air or play with my tail. But no, Martin Brett, being the one who actually had to shell out the dough to get me out of the shelter, makes it his business to grip me by the collar and coerce me to look in the direction of the motherfucking camera. And if for instance I look away from it to see maybe something happening over there off camera, Martin will clutch me even harder against his chest to keep me from budging until the whole fucking photo thing is all over.”

The psychologically abused dog went on to express his incomprehension as to why the Brett absolutely needed to have him there when they know goddamn well that his thing is to kick back and take it easy on a grassy field all day long or walk around the block when he hears the call of the nature.

“I guess Leslie and Melissa, those two little devils, like it that way, when I’m part of the picture in the car.” Mickey-Mickey added, noting that the girls demanded way too much of him and were wearing him all out.

“But still, being their pet doesn’t mean I’m their hostage for them to place me in a position where I must suppress my canine instinct to take a dump right there on the leather seat because they told me it wasn’t okay.”

   “But it’s okay to hold me against my will while the shutter speed goes off and imprints my image on a fucking piece of hardware”

  “What a dog’s life!” the dog concluded.

At press time, after the children convinced their father to take another picture as they came out of the mall with shopping bags, Mickey-Mickey reportedly barked many times from inside the locked car to express his discontentment.

“If they go ahead and slide a sunglass on my face like they did last time, man, I’m bailing out on these guys.” 

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“Hopefully, I’ll See Things More Clearly From This Angle”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_SOCIAL_LIFESTYLE_THINKING_Issue 01*21     March 21, 2014

LOCAL BOY FINDS UNIQUE WAY TO LOOK AT THE WORLD.

By Alicia Prescott

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Noting that it was about fucking time he began looking at things a different way in the hope to see past all the bullshit he is surrounded by on a daily basis, local boy Jeremiah Milburn told reporters that starting today, he would now stand on his head because, well, he really needed that fresh viewpoint.

“Over the past six years of my life, I kept getting frustrated by all the phoniness I saw around me wherever I went” commented the young bright-minded boy, adding that the phoniness has now been so deeply imbued in every corner of his surrounding that it has literally become the oxygen that functions people’s body.

“I’m surrounded by so many phony people, you know, at school, on the playground, at the dentist’s and even in my house. People are so fake nowadays, go figure why. And I can tell you, I’m really this close to lose faith in Man and his capacity to be real, because he’s so full of <…> with a capital S.”

Jeremiah later confessed that standing upside down to see the world was his last-ditch effort to hopefully shift his current outlook on it. He also stressed that he was really going through all the trouble because, at heart, he still believed there was some hidden value in Man which was simply not visible when you looked at it from a two-feet-on-the-ground standpoint.

  “I really hope from this new stance, I’ll get to see beyond people’s phoniness and glimpse the real stuff they’re made of, if such a stuff exists that is.”

  “I hope it does exist, because if not, God help me for being his Lonely Man.”

At press time, Jeremiah was seen hand-walking just about two feet into the distance before collapsing on all fours and realizing he probably needed to get himself a pair of gloves and kneepads to protect himself, as it was likely his quest to see his faith in mankind restored, would be very long and very painful.

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“I Just Don’t Know How Human Beings Cope With Their Condition”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_BREAKING NEWS_REVELATION_PETS_STRANGE_Issue 01*20     March 20, 2014

CAT FINDS OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN: CALLS IT A DEVASTATING MOMENT FOR HIM

By Alicia Prescott

BREAKING NEWS!!!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Waking up to a life-changing surprise Wednesday morning, your cat confided in sources that, somehow during his overnight sleep, he became a sentient being aware of his own consciousness and his internal voice, which were things totally unknown to him until then. 

“Last morning I woke up at around 8 AM and stretched my paws like I usually do, only to find out that somehow there was a voice in my head and that voice was mine,” the starry-eyed mammal said, adding that at first, he was shocked beyond measure to even meow a sound and could not understand what was happening to him.

The pointy-eared mice-loving pet went on to say that since then, his kitty life as he knows it has become a living nightmare due to the self-awareness of his feline condition, the unending inner monologues, the discovery of something called his moral sense, the realization of his mortality and finally the vast range of conflicting emotions possessed by all sentient beings, all of which have driven him to question a lot of things he took for granted as a mindless animal that operated on pure, meat-and-potatoes instinct. 

“I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean I hear all these noises all day long in my head, I’m wondering about things such as where I come from, what’s the meaning of my life, who put me here, where can I find him…and from what I’ve gathered, it appears all my questions will remain unanswered because it is the burden all living things that have been cursed with the cogito ergo-sum must carry in this plane of existence.”

“Man, now I get why my owner shot himself in the head last week.”

The now conscious flurry creature later admitted that he was currently thinking about finding some means to just shut up all the noises for good because he couldn’t take it anymore. And to top it off, he was being haunted by the faces of all the inferior beings he had massacred for sports, just to satisfy his then basic instinct to chase and kill whatever and whenever he felt like it.

“I don’t know how other sentient species cope with the nightmare of self-awareness. I’ve only got it for less than 36 hours and already I can tell you I do not wish it for anyone. Having a conscience is like being in a cage. It’s just not for me…”

“I just want to be free again. That’s all I think about right now.”

At press time, your cat was reportedly seen making his way toward a running lawn mower. 

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“I Will Show Them If They Keep Treating Me Like This…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_LOCAL_PARENTS_Issue 01*19     March 13, 2014

BABY GIRL TELLS ALL IN HER SLEEP

By Alicia Prescott

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While she was letting herself be roped into layers and layers of deep slumber, Barbara Gilroy reportedly told of her folks that they were good people, perhaps, but good parents, not at all.

“Man, I don’t know if they think that I’m dumb or that my earring is not working or whatever, but you wouldn’t believe the stuff they discuss with each other in front me, as if I wasn’t even there,” said the subconscious of the baby girl, which as it spoke, began to take a dive deep under and all the way into Dream Land. “For instance, just the other day they were talking about how they hoped I became a doctor, or a lawyer or this or that and they didn’t even stop for one second to include me in the conversation.”

“Talking about me in the third person while I’m in the room is just plain rude, for Chrissake. How do they think that makes me feel?”

The six-month-old sleeping beauty went on to have her subconscious add that sometimes, her inconsiderate folks would talk about the many things they would do later in the master bedroom after they put her to sleep. Things that included role-playing game, long nail strokes, the naked truth, the game of tongues etc.

“Look, I know from time to time they have their own lives to go back to, but couldn’t they keep what’s private between them, private?”

 “Are these people even my parents?”

At press time, the subconscious of Barbara Gilroy emphasized that it didn’t want Barbara to come off as a touchy little brat, because she wasn’t obviously.

“But if they keep treating me as if I wasn’t a person, I’m going to run away and take their live savings with me. They made the mistake to reveal where they keep it when they discussed in front of me their plan to evade tax.” 

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“Man, Harry Potter Was Meant To Be The Role Of My Life”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."CRAZY FAT NEWS_CINEMA_ACTING_FUN_Issue 01*18     March 12, 2014

NOT YOUR TYPICAL HOLLYWOOD STORY

By Alicia Prescott

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After first discovering the Harry Potter book series last year and whipping through each installment with eagerness and excitement, Jonas Coles stated that when he was done with the last book, he nearly died of shock when he learned the series had already been adapted into a string of theatrical movies.

Sources confirmed that the young avid reader later fell into a deep depression upon realizing that he was, in his own words, born to portray Harry Potter on the silver screen and now, that chance was forever out the window.

“The first time I read the Philosopher’s Stone, I thought boy, this is it man. This is my calling in life. I’m supposed to play this wiz kid because, in a way, his story could’ve been my story, you know” said the inpatient two year old, who had been admitted two months ago in a local treatment center for his intense feelings of anger and hopelessness.

After binge-watching the octology of blockbusters based on the books, Jonas later added that the adaptations weren’t bad per say, even if they were sort of lost in translation. But all in all they certainly would have been a world away better with him playing the titular role since he’d done his homework and knew where the character was coming from.

    “It’s just now that I’ve come around to accepting that the producers of the movies clearly pulled the rug out from under me. But I guess it wasn’t their fault; they simply didn’t know better at the time. Unfortunately, that’s how things usually go in Hollywood.”

At press time, sources confirmed that Jonas was recuperating from his depression and had started going through the series again from book one in an attempt to reacquaint himself with the world of Hogwarts.

 “I’m definitely prepping myself, because I haven’t lost hope. I’ll definitely land the role of Harry when they reboot or remake the series a few years from now…”

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“What Man Thinks When He’s Looking At You”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."

CRAZY FAT NEWS_SCIENCE_SOCIAL_Issue 01*17     Sept 19, 2013

CASE STUDY

By Alicia Prescott

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A new groundbreaking study published this Wednesday by the Journal of Psychology Research and Behavior Management revealed that during verbal exchanges between two or multiple individuals, people tend to quickly retreat back in their head to talk to you without filter because you cannot listen.

“What we have here is a typical case of two individuals having a casual chat with one another, but at the same time, entertaining an unfiltered chat inside their head, where they can freely express themselves without directly or incidentally hurting the other one’s feelings,” said Dr. Jacky Hiniosta, lead author on the study, adding that the same individuals would often proceed to smile wholeheartedly, though in an insidious attempt to dissimulate the scores of vilified thoughts filling their mind and detailing (sometimes quite graphically)what a little shit you truly are.

Thoroughly conducted over a three-year period observing people from different backgrounds, social class and various ethnicities, the study examined how all these individuals interacted with one another in a set of wide-range of situations – from romantic candlelight dinners to business meetings to idle bar chat.

Results showed eighty five percent of people half-participated to the conversation because of their ability to ably converse while mentally mocking, slurring whomever they were having a dialogue with. On the other hand, the more conservative preferred to keep their mouth shut, simply nodding occasionally, acting as if they were listening even though in their mind, they were subjecting the speaker to crude and debasing insults, usually fueled by hatred, envy, jealousy and all that kind of thing.

“Our data indicate that, in actuality, whenever a human being is talking (or even staring) to another human being, what he or she is really doing is listen to his/her own internal nefarious monologues trashing the other guy/bitch who should just do the world a favor and die already,” Dr. Hiniosta said, adding this aggressive and yet authentic voice in our head is but the mind’s reaction to the formal constraints society imposes on our instinctive behaviors. “Basically, when we have a conversation with someone, we wish we didn’t have to filter our words. Halas, social proprieties require us to act nice to one another even though everybody knows we’re just a bunch of fucking animals.”

The report also noted that people usually chose not to divulge the depths of their real thoughts by fear of making a scene with a colleague, losing a close friend or offending big time a lover or a family member.

“Every time Mady comes up to me all smiling and says ‘hey how was your day?’ my gut reaction is always to say to her ‘you think being popular and all will get your fat-ass laid’, local honors student Theresa Milton said of Madeleine Lowe, her friend since kindergarten. “But I always abstain. Instead, with a half genuine-half disingenuous smile on, I reply ‘good. How was yours?’  

Dr. Hiniosta confirmed this kind of thought pattern was fairly common amongst the populace of the earth. She also deplored how the resulting hypocrisy had now become a fundamental trait of our nature and went on to publicly acknowledge that, in today’s world, nobody’s word was to be taken for it, not even that of the lead author on this study.

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BE ADVISED: MY PEOPLE WILL RISE TO POWER PRETTY SOON…