“Won’t Rest Until I Have An Answer For It…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_LOCAL_Issue 01*25     May 2, 2014

BABY GIRL WANTS YOU TO KNOW SHE’S REALLY THINKING ABOUT IT

By Alicia Prescott

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Claiming that she hasn’t slept on it ever since the issue first came to her attention, four-month-old Yvette Kasey asked reporters, during the press conference held this morning, to let the concerned parties know that she’s really thinking about it.

“I just want to reiterate my unshakable commitment to help find a solution to this problem because I feel like if I stand idly and do nothing, everything I love and care about will also be vulnerable,” said the little girl in earnest, adding that it behooved all of us to put our minds together to work [this] out for the betterment of all.

“So if, even for just one second, it seems to you that I’m not on top of it, then rest assured that until this business is done and dealt with, I’ll always be thinking about it, day in, day out.”

At the end of the press conference, you seemed to be relieved because Kasey promised to stay up tonight and think harder on it until sunrise.

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“All This New Stuff Is Really Overwhelming For Him…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_SOCIAL_Issue 01*24     May 1, 2014

DOG MOVED TO TEARS AFTER LEAVING SHELTER WITH FOSTER FAMILY

By Alicia Prescott

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Born and bred in a local pet orphanage in the Bay Area, sources confirmed Thursday that the adoption procedure for Viz went through and for the first time ever, the little doggy dog got to venture outside the confines of the shelter with his new foster family.

   “Viz hasn’t said anything since we left the shelter,” said Ines Mulligan, five and only child to the Mulligans. “I think right now he is kind of overwhelmed, I suppose. Today is kind of a big change for him; I mean all this stuff outside is very new to him, you know.”

Eyewitness accounts inside the car effectively confirmed that during the ride to the Mulligan’s homestead, the bleary-eyed Chihuahua kept gazing out the window at the beautiful streets whizzing by and the gorgeous panorama of breathtaking architectural marvels that were no different from the ones found in dreams and fairy tales, and all of which contrasting strongly with the crummy and down-and-out shitty-looking local of the pet orphanage where, up to this point, the doggy dog had spent all his life.

“I guess Viz is realizing how lucky he truly is,” continued Ines who, it was said, was the de-facto caretaker of the new lucky family member. “His life as he knew it is about to change for the better. From now on, he’s only going to be exposed to nice things. And I’m really happy for him.”

Additionally, empathizing with Viz, many starveling sources living on the streets stated that they envied (and were even a little jealous of) the animal’s new cozy set-up and the good life which awaited him, but were nevertheless cheering because they understood that the life of a dog in a shelter is shittier than a homeless’.

At press time, Viz was still feeling at a loss about every beautiful things he’d lay eyes upon thus far, prompting Ines to comment on how she wondered what the pet’s reaction would be like after he saw their amazing split-level mansion on the Hills.

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“It’s Like That Everyday…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_LIFESTYLE_Issue 01*23      April 30, 2014

BABY BOY JUST ABOUT TO WAKE UP STILL IN THE DARK

By Alicia Prescott

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Claiming that he could feel his shut-eye time come to an end pretty soon, in fact in less than a few minutes, seven-month-old Bertrand Moor rush pointed out to reporters that even though he was just about to wake up, he was pretty much still in the dark.

“You know, as I lay here sleeping, I can’t help but wonder about what the day will bring,” said the hairless sleeper who definitely had no clue as to how the day would ultimately unfold during his waking hours.

The not-so-sleepy little man also added that it was his wish to wake up to a sunny day, with birds chirping right outside his window or his dear daddy singing in the shower or his stay-at-home mommy changing his fouled diapers right away before it got too uncomfortable and stank up his crib; and if afterwards she could be so kind to bring him a copious breakfast to bed, that’d be the icing on the cake.

  “All of that is nice and all, but in my experience some of it is just wishful thinking,” said the boy with eyes lightly shut now, “for nobody ever knows what’s going to happen. There’re so many variables that can change the course of a day so I usually try to have no expectations whatsoever. Plus nobody ever tells me anything so I’m always in the dark.”

“Anyway, whatever comes I just roll with it, baby.” The baby boy added while smirking subconsciously.

At press time, as both eyelids heavily lifted to open, Bertrand said he hoped the first thing he’d see upon waking was his mother getting out of her nightdress because seeing that in the morning usually made his day.

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“I Don’t Really See Why We Should Celebrate Birthdays…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_LIFESTYLE_Issue 01*22     April 27, 2014

KID GETTING ANXIOUS OVER BIRTHDAYS MEANING LESS YEARS TO LIVE

By Alicia Prescott

Birthday KidEntering her sixth year of living in this plane of existence with the formal birthday celebration orchestrated by her loving family, Katie Yellen told reporters last Saturday that as time goes by, her birthday becomes more and more like a heavy reminder that she’s getting a year off the total years of her lifespan.

“I just can’t help but think about how every time whenever the clock winds and strikes on my birthday, it means that I’m getting closer and closer to my end,” said the anxious little girl, adding that for all she knew maybe she didn’t have that many years left in her reserve and that awereness was really spoiling everything for her.

“I mean when I think about it, it kills all the joy of blowing the candles out with glee when 365 days have just snuck out of my time reserve and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it except encourage this with a birthday party and wait for another batch of 365 days to sneak out right under my nose, and so on and so forth, until my time reserve is totally empty.”

“I don’t really see any cause for celebration here,” she added.

At press time, while every one was chanting the “Happy Birthday” song, Katie reportedly bowed out of the scene of the party, walked to her bedroom with her head down and slowly shut the door.

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“Ice Cream Is Soooo Good…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."

SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_ FOOD_LOCAL_Issue 01*21     April 25, 2014

ICE CREAM SO GOOD IT CAUSES INFANT BOY TO LASH OUT

By Alicia Prescott

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Reportedly sticking the dripping ice-cream cone into his wide-opened mouth to greedily gobble the frozen dairy dessert at a gulp, 4-year-old Andre Linus repeatedly shook his head after the first bite and stamped his feet on the blacktop at the Harbor Village, pedestrian sources reported.

“Man what’s gotten into that kid over there. Has he completely lost it to jump around like that like a hound out of Hell,” said stunned passerby Frederic Monroe, adding that such a loose-jointed, exuberant behavior wasn’t that surprising coming from a kid, but seriously over ice cream?

Upon overhearing little Linus repeatedly shout “Ice Cream Is So Good, Woooooo!” Monroe went on to question whether the parents of the annoying loud kid were treating him to a vanilla flavor for the first time ever or whether this was the very first taste of ice cream little Linus had ever had since birth.

“Some parents are really irresponsible if you ask me. You can’t believe their nerve. Does the world have to know about their child’s discovery of the melting sweetness of ice-cream? Does that have to become a public exhibition?  Do they have to rub their happily-ever-after family moments in our face? As if we didn’t already know ice cream was good…”

At press time, sources confirmed that in his berserker frenzy, the ice-cream licking infant boy ran up to Monroe and teased him with a bite of his precious, which got knocked down in a gesture of irritation by the grown man.

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“Bottle Feeding Is Just Nonsense…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."

SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_HEALTH_LIFESTYLE_Issue 01*20     April 25, 2014

LITTLE BOY PREFERS THE REAL STUFF

By Alicia Prescott

bottle feedingTaking pretty badly the news that starting next month, he’s going to get weaned off of breast feeding in favor of bottle feeding, Takashi Koike took to the press this morning to vent his displeasure at the idea of having natural breast milk replace with something second or third class.

“What kind of nonsense is that, huh? No… Hell no… This isn’t right. I like my stuff to be real, you hear me, real,” said the upset baby boy, adding that all those infant formulas didn’t even compare to breast milk when it came to taste and also, as a matter of principles, he was very cautious of the quality of food he took in and that he wasn’t just about to put in his mouth some synthetic or specialized teat that is made out to look like the original; and for what? Because his mother thought he should.

    “I don’t care if this is a lifestyle choice to have me switch over to bottle feeding but as far as I know, it’s no accident if milk does form in the human breast, is it?”

Accounts confirmed that the baby boy reportedly broke down in tears at the end of press time to rally support in the hopes of changing his mother’s mind.

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“If She Won’t Talk To Me, I Won’t Talk To Her Either…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_SOCIAL_RELATIONSHIP_Issue 01*20     April 17, 2014

BABY GIRL BREAKS IT OFF WITH LIFELONG FRIEND

By Alicia Prescott

Baby Vs Doll

After weeks of continuous quarrel and spat with her best and only friend Samantha, local toddler Karen Fleet decided that, given the bitter turn their friendship has recently taken, it was time to maybe call it quits and part ways right here and now, sources confirmed this morning.

“I just can’t take it anymore, you know. Samantha always gives you the silent treatment just to make you lose your cool and you can barely get anything through to her thick head,” said the upset little girl who went on to stress out how she was always the one who had to come up with ideas for the games they’d play together, and how Samantha was difficult to play with and would never say exactly what she had in mind, always keeping everything to herself.

“Look, I get that she’s smaller than me and that you must be patient with people who are smaller than you but Samantha doesn’t even try. I mean, in any relationship, communication is very important, isn’t it?”

 “At any rate, if she won’t talk to me then I won’t waste another breath on her either.”

Karen, who described herself as a very friendly, easy-going, fun-loving dudette, added that when she first met Samantha in the local toy shop, she immediately thought she’d met a like-minded person with a great character to be friend with. Unfortunately, Samantha didn’t turn out to be that great girlfriend she, Karen, thought she’d found.

  “After everything I’ve done for her, I mean I hooked her with clothes, combed her hair, even had a house bought for her with a complete tea set, you think she’d be grateful. Hell no, she just takes everything for granted. I mean, who does that?”

At press time, after Karen tore down the miniature house in a sudden fit of aggravation, Samantha reportedly came out to the press and stated that Karen was just a fucking drama queen…

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“Seeing My Parents Fight Is The Highlight of My Day…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_FAMILY_SOCIAL_PARENTING_Issue 01*19     April 16, 2014

YOUNG SCHOOLGIRL LOOKS FORWARD TO A GOOD FIGHT TONIGHT

By Alicia Prescott

parents fightingRushing to finish her school homework to get herself ready for tonight’s entertainment, Jeanine Graf excitedly told reporters she just couldn’t wait for her dad to come home and start yelling and fighting with her mom, as it’s become the only highlight of her day ever since she was in daycare.

“I wonder how their bickering will play out tonight,” said the cheerful nine-year-old whose anticipation to see her dad shout and raise his hands like a madman while calling her mom names _which were either offensive or insulting according to the dictionary_ couldn’t make her any more thrilled.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen when dad walks in through the door and that’s the cool part about it; because you can never predict whether he’ll kick off by knocking a jug down, or if mom will slam a door shut to warm up, or who’s going to go for the chair first and throw it across the room, or who’s going to pull the best rage-filled, live-wire performance when they’re finally face to face, and they need to stand their ground by screaming their lungs out to win whatever argument they have.”  

“At that point in the fight, that’s when you know someone is going to go down.”

After concluding that she was hoping her mom would put up more of a fight than she did the night before, Jeanine reportedly admitted that she was overall proud of her mother’s strong performance and could turn to her for fighting advices when she herself got married and all.

 

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“How Is Learning This B.S. Going To Help Me?”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."

SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_EDUCATION_SOCIAL_KIDS_Issue 01*18     March 20, 2014

LITTLE GIRL WONDERS IF ALL THE B.S. IS EVEN THAT IMPORTANT TO LEARN TO MAKE IT IN LIFE

By Alicia Prescott

‘Short, balding and mediocre’ white man educates black kids on success_jpgh

Having a hard time finding the proper motivation to keep at her math homework, Leslie Carter told reporters Wednesday that she has no idea how to solve this volume and capacity problem the teacher assigned in class and sources confirmed that shortly afterwards, she took a short break in between two headaches brought on by intense concentration to deeply wonder whether all this B.S. was even all that important to learn in order to make it in life.

“Look I know I’m smart and I’m very curious about things too. But this stuff about cone and cylinder and curved surface is simply a waste of time.”

“It’s just B.S.” the unruly pupil commented, explaining that unless the teacher showed her exactly how this nonsense had helped Beyonce, or Mariah Carey, or Riri achieve success in their life, then she wouldn’t bother anymore with all that.

“You have to be practical in life, that’s my motto. Is learning the difference between a cone, a cylinder and a prism going to do me any good if I want to be famous? I don’t think so.”

At press time Leslie reportedly turned in a blank paper with a special note on it that said: This is just B.S.

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“Maybe If I took Some Pills, Maybe That’d Help A Little Bit…”

"I Was Born A Jaywalker..."SKINNY LITTLE NEWS_LOCAL_HEALTH_BABY_Issue 01*17     March 20, 2014

YOUNG BABY BOY HAS TOO MUCH ON HIS MIND

By Alicia Prescott

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Lamenting that he doesn’t know why he’s been so down and upset lately to the point of hitting an all time low every other day of the week, local new-born Theo Asante confirmed Wednesday that he thinks he’s having one of these periods where he has so much on his mind that it feels like he’s living inside a black hole and there’s no frigging way out of it.

“I just don’t know… I’ve been thinking a lot lately, you know, about a lot of things. I just don’t know if it’s normal for my age; but it just depresses the hell out of me right now, so please come back a little later, okay?” said  the angst-ridden seven-month old, who reportedly had been experiencing major sleep issues and loss of appetite probably caused by his intense feelings of impending doom coupled with a case of life-sucking anxiety, all of which the result of unnecessary thinking about things that are simply too far ahead of his time. 

“I guess that’ll go on for a while, I don’t know. Maybe if I took some pills, or turned to the bottle, maybe that would help a little bit. Because right now my mind is pretty much saturated with all kinds of crazy thoughts.”

At press time, the little thinker reportedly asked to be left alone because he had lots of thoughts to process and a lot of figuring out to do if there was any hope for him to start enjoying the little pleasures of a baby’s life again.

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DEAD MAN REFUSED TO BE REVIVED

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OOPS… I DID IT AGAIN